Why Consent Apps will never increase trust or enhance intimacy, and what works instead.
As someone who has been working with consent education (at the School of Consent) for almost a decade now, I’ve been watching the conversation around the use of consent contracts (and now, consent apps) to safeguard against sexual assault.
Current conversations in the news and social media are debating whether the use of consent apps would be effective in preventing boundary violations. But have you seen how any of these work?
Here’s how the app Consentsy describes their service:
Once you have logged in, you will be able to access your camera. To record, you will want to touch the wink icon so that the the camera will start recording. Tap the icon again to stop recording. While recording, the consenter will be asked to read a generic consent statement providing consent to sexual intercourse.
After the recording is complete, a pop-up stating “You Consented” will appear on the screen. The consenter will then need to tap the “Send” button for the video to be processed and converted to text. Their verbal statement will be verified to provide some assurance that they are consciously consenting. However, even if the consenter says something different from the generic consent statement, it will still be sent to our secure storage, and you will receive a confirmation email with a transaction ID confirming your consent. This will provide peace of mind that the consent recording was successful while still protecting the privacy of the consenter.
Wow. So many vibekillers.
I’m imagining a situation: 2 folks are getting intimate until Some Certain Point where one of them whips out their phone to “get consent:”
a) says “Baby, hold on, let me just log in real quick,”
b) amidst whatever level of dress/undress, flips the camera around to
TAKE A VIDEO
c) asks the “consenter” to read a GENERIC STATEMENT on VIDEO…
d) UPLOADS THE VIDEO to the service
e) gets to “You Consented” screen
f) high-fives, resumes activity
What if a consent violation happens AFTER that? Hmmmm.
From this Daily Mail article: “Danish app iConsent gives users permission for ‘one intercourse’ which is valid for 24 hours and can be withdrawn at any time.” Oof.
I can certainly understand the impulse of why folks would want to create, and perhaps use, a “consent app” but I really doubt that the impulse is to make people trust each other more, or relax into an intimate encounter without fear of violation. I really don’t think that reviewing a list on a phone app with a potential lover and then clicking “agree” will increase anyone’s pleasure, not really.
Together with my teacher, Dr. Betty Martin, the co-founder of the School of Consent, developer of the Wheel of Consent® framework, and author of The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, we’ve discussed why the efficacy of “apps” or even written contracts, can never lock down a consent agreement effectively. Here’s what we came up with:
- Consent is not a Contract.
A contract is typically something with specified terms which two or more parties agree upon, then sign as a binding proof of that agreement. Here’s the thing: Consent is not a one-time conversation or agreement. Consent is an ongoing conversation, in which anyone can change their mind, at any time, and for any reason, about whether or not to continue with touch or any sexual activity. - Consent requires real-time communication.
If you’ve clicked “agree” on an app and use that to presume “all systems are go,” then you are less likely to check in with your partner about what is feeling good, and what isn’t, in the moment. What if either of you wants an adjustment, or something starts to feel uncomfortable? Just because you clicked “agree” on that app, doesn’t give you license to proceed. Consent isn’t static! - The Spectrum of Touch and Sexual Activity is broad
What activities does the app ask you to agree to? Will it list all forms of touch? Sex isn’t simply biological intercourse — sexual activity takes many forms, and can’t be covered by blanket statements. - Who Is It For?
Getting “proof” of consent between people feels more about protecting liability than it is about enhancing pleasure. Who is it for, this “proof”? How will it be used? Who will it be used to protect, or malign? It’s also disturbing to think that there’d be a database out there, collecting data on users’ sexual partners, activities, proclivities, etc. How might THAT data be used or exploited? - Consent app “agreement” could be coerced
If proof of consent is simply a one-time click of a button, how do we know if the person really consented to the consent agreement? When there are power dynamics at play, how can we be certain that someone wasn’t simply forced to click “agree?” Even if someone is incapacitated, if all it takes is a click of a button to “sign” — how can that be trusted?
What it boils down to is this: there is no ethical shortcut to “securing”consent. Consent is not a contract. It is certainly a negotiation, but it is an ongoing one, and especially in terms of touch, sexual expression and intimacy — consent deserves attention and attunement between partners. Why would you want to rush an activity like this anyway ? You’ll learn more about your partner, and both of you will learn more about each other’s pleasure, if you slow down.
Here’s what we recommend instead of consent apps or contracts, for folks to arrive at consent, together:
- Slow down, to feel more — and play the 3 Minute Game!
The 3-Minute Game is a wonderful way to learn about consent, develop self-awareness and practice choice. It consists of taking turns asking each other:
- How would you like me to touch you, for 3 minutes?
- How would you like to touch me, for 3 minutes?
The point of the game is to notice what you want to feel for yourself, and also notice what you are willing to do for your partner. This is a perfect place to start learning how to negotiate desires and boundaries. Here’s a video showing you exactly how to play the 3 Minute Game.
2. Start with small asks, to develop the skill of asking for what you want — try a Bossy Massage!
Asking for what you want is inherently vulnerable, and sometimes you don’t even know what you want, so you go along with whatever is happening, hoping that you’ll eventually start to like it. That doesn’t always work well, and could entrain you to endure unwanted or unsatisfying touch because you just get used to it. But there’s a better way!
Betty Martin developed a practice called the Bossy Massage, in which one person is the Boss (who asks for what they want and receives it) and one person is the Server (who gives the Boss what they want, only if it is within their limits/comfort zone to do so).
In this practice, no one can “go along with” something they don’t want, because the only action that happens is whatever the Boss specifically asks for, and what the Server specifically agrees to do. Here’s a video showing you exactly how to play the Bossy Massage game.
3. If you’d like a deeper dive into the nuances of Consent, find courses on boundaries and consent to learn. We have courses available at the School of Consent. And there are tons of free videos on Betty’s site, her Youtube channel or @thewheelofconsent on Instagram. You can also check out Betty’s book!
The bottom line is that consent is about choice. And you have the right to your choice at any moment, and for that choice to be respected. You have the right to change your mind at any moment. When it comes to your body, no “app” should supersede the authority of your own voice.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Carmen Leilani helped build the School of Consent, where she serves as the Director of Marketing and Communications and DEI officer. She is also a consent educator, social media and marketing strategist, marketing consultant, writer and playwright.
Dr. Betty Martin is the creator of the Wheel of Consent, the co-founder of the School of Consent, and the author of “The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.”